One toxic feedback behavior: martyr defense.

· Bits and Bobs 7/20/26
  • One toxic feedback behavior: martyr defense.
    • I'm very familiar with this, because it's one of my own failure modes.
    • I hate getting developmental feedback.
      • It makes me feel like I dropped my end of a commitment.
      • Dropping a commitment to me feels like death.
    • I fear that so much that when I see that I'm about to get feedback, I throw myself onto the pyre before someone else does.
      • I go comically over the top with my own negative self talk on that dimension.
    • That then leads the person who was about to give me feedback to say, "No, no, no, you're great! It's not that bad!"
      • By throwing myself comically over the top in the direction I assumed the feedback would go, I prevented myself from ever actually getting the feedback.
    • Now we're in a bad state: everyone knows they have to walk on eggshells around me on that front, and also I didn't actually ever get the feedback.